The 5 Downsides of Having Sex With A Female Bodybuilder

All is fair in love and roids…


Like all responsible romantic encounters, let’s define the relationship. We’re not discussing female powerlifters, bikini competitors, or even your average fit chick wearing the galaxy yoga pants. This cautionary tale has shifted to the true fringes of sexuality. Buckle up.

1. The Obvious

Your romantic partner could very well be larger than you. We’re beginning with the milder, far more obvious conclusions because we’ll follow the template of weeding out progressively more suitors from points one to five.

Some men don’t mind this (even prefer it); however, shall we illuminate the inevitable social norm destruction, and physical danger when the hysteria rears its ugly head — revealing a well-muscled jaw clenched at the very thought of you forgetting she despised the flavor orange and had actually told you vanilla for her low-carb, gluten- and dairy-free diet ice cream.

2. The Metamorphosis

So the threats of bodily harm haven’t swayed you? The prolonged stares as you grip a hand connected to a forearm more imposing than your own while the two of you stroll the mall hasn’t changed your mind? You savage — let’s dive deeper into this muscly fantasy.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. However, save the shocked responses, this shouldn’t be a revelation. Anabolic steroids change more in the human body than mere lean muscle percentage. Your new vascular princess will undergo (or have already undergone) certain unsavory physical reactions caused by the exogenous chemistry.

We’ll do it quick, like ripping off a band-aid. She’s going to become hairy, and we don’t mean thicker, more lustrous curls from the scalp. Her clitoris is most likely going to swell, becoming akin to glimpses you get on Hyena documentaries (look that up on your own time). Finally, the tone of her voice is going to drop faster than a hanging victim, and just as gracefully.

What a time to be alive.

Continued on the next page…

3. The Accentuation

If you’re still entertaining the idea of bringing your manhood anywhere near this chemically-induced circus, you’re a special kind of man. Luckily for you, the effects of the anabolics your fair maiden is most certainly shooting are not limited to pushing her to manhood. The consequences of unnecessary androgens on the human body also involve an accentuation of pre-existing traits, and of course, the “moodiness” that comes with the territory of dabbling with your endocrine system. You’re not scientists for f*ck’s sake.

The “woman” on top of you, for she will unequivocally be on top, will have a mind more tumultuous than most tropical storms. We have a theory: Men are more accustomed to positions of power; therefore, being in one is not such a novel idea and is therefore handled in a more measured manner. On the other hand, women are commonly the fairer, albeit physically weaker sex. To have such positions of power are novel and could go straight to that Dianabol ravaged brain. The results could be devastating.

God have mercy upon you.

4. Check, Please

Relationships, however amazing, can get expensive. Anyone who has even a slight interest in the wild world of bodybuilding knows that food accounts for the heaviest drain on the bank account. Imagine for a moment the volume of “clean” (which could possibly be French for expensive) foods a woman of such stature would require. Fueling the ferocious squat sessions, exhaustive blood pumping back and bicep bouts, and feverous, animalistic sex that could be required at any moment would take many trips to the local grocer.

Aside from stocking the home, look beyond to date night. Your heavily muscled queen sits across from you, illuminated by candlelight. The sharp shadows catching the separation of her biceps and front deltoid, exposed in her exquisite, strapless evening gown (she will undoubtedly desire to showcase her gains). You follow the strands of her hair past bulging neck veins that lay as spray-tanned piping along the impossibly developed sternocleidomastoid. She simply cannot find an option that fits her diet. The night is ruined.

5. Yourself

You’ve come this far? What’s the final pitfall you ask? Well, apparently it’s you, you freaky bastard. If you’re still looking to find some rigid, densely fibered ass, then she may no longer be the stranger of the two. Good luck and godspeed.

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