Many men get into bodybuilding to develop their dream physique. They have an idea in their head as to what they should look like, and dammit, they’ll do anything to make that dream a reality. Even if that means becoming obsessed, distancing themselves from friends and family, or even letting romantic relationships crumble in order to obtain the image they so desperately crave.
While there are men out there who are so physique-goal oriented they let themselves become isolated from healthy relationships, there are just as many, if not more bodybuilders who want to develop amazing bodies simply to get some hot poon. Now, before we continue, it should be noted that this is not going to be an inspirational, articulate, or even a mature article. This is going to be a whirlwind of expletives and straight up silliness. So, sit back and enjoy. This is the top five reasons why women should NOT date bodybuilders.
5. The Gym Comes First
We’ll start off with the obvious. Hardcore bodybuilders treat the gym as a temple; they feel they must attend frequently and for long periods of time to appease the iron gods. This is fine for the single man, but when one is in a relationship, it’s hard to find a partner who is willing to put up with coming in second to the gym. And you better believe, if your woman is always coming in second, eventually you won’t be coming at all.
A woman has needs, and often times those needs are time-sucking sh!t portals to the no-fun-no-gains zone. We’re talking about boring ass trips to stores that sell overpriced candles, brunch with non-lifting “friends,” and dates that require one to sip gain-sapping wine while painting ugly trees with a bunch of other miserable couples.
This is terrible for many reasons: it causes resentment on the man’s part due to feeling forced to skip the gym, partaking in diet ruining foods, and generally being bored as hell. This isn’t the woman’s fault of course. But, if a man wants to be in a relationship, he must learn to share his time. Otherwise, he’ll just end up as an over-sized, tiny blue ball having c*ck knocker.
4. Food Dictates the Direction of the Day
That’s right, bodybuilders plan out their days according to when and what they are going to eat; this doesn’t even count gym time. So, if you are a lady planning a day trip with your muscle-bound boyfriend, be prepared to deal with an array of questions about food.
This is especially irritating when you plan events that don’t deal with food but take a good bit of time. For instance, just picture the embarrassment you’d feel when you are on a date watching a lengthy classical music orchestra, and you look over to see your man chomping down on the foot-long sub he smuggled into the music hall. And you just know all the snobby, sophisticated rich people are staring at this disgusting swine of a man you brought with you.
It’s not just watching him stuff his face at inappropriate times that pisses off woman, it’s the fact they know they must let him, or he’ll become an angry, irritable, insufferable d!ckhead who completely ruins the date. So, it’s more or less a lose-lose situation. He either eats disgustingly large amounts of food every few hours, or he goes into a Hulk-like rage and possibly causes a scene. It’s probably just a good idea to always have a meal planned in the middle of the date.
3. Protein Farts
This is the inevitable side effect of the constant eating. And trust us when we say, he’s mastered the art of the silent but deadly fart. All that protein, especially of the egg variety, causes a noxious buildup of foul smelling rectal air that must be expelled often or some kind of spontaneous combustion will be sure to follow.
The farting is especially heinous when it happens out of the blue during very inappropriate times; such as in the middle of that fancy classical music orchestra (you really are a dumbass for taking that human meat sack to such a highbrow place).
These eyebrow melting farts will become a constant part of your day. At some point, you will find yourself sleeping warmly in bed. Maybe it’s extra chilly that night, so you throw the cover over your head — and that’s when it hits you like a sack full of rhino bones; his sour ass odor has completely filled the airless vacuum under the covers, and you have just inadvertently given yourself a wicked Dutch Oven.
Oh, but there’s so much more to this neverending nightmare. He will eventually see the hilarity in his puckered star poots. And this will cause him to fart in your general direction more and more often for his own sick, twisted entertainment. He will become a f*cking madman! Blasting chemical bombs at you from all angles.
What’s that? Your mom’s in town for the holidays? Hope she likes the smell of burning sewage in July. You decide to go out to a fancy Italian restaurant to invigorate your relationship? Enjoy the putrid butthole seepage wafting up from under the table in five-minute intervals. By the way, statistically speaking, at least a few of these “innocent” ass blast will cause an unexpected public mudslide. Hope you carry wet wipes.
2. You Become a Human Dumbbell
Some women have no idea what this means. But other women, the ones who have dated bodybuilders in the past, they just peed a little. When you date a bodybuilder, especially one who is really huge and exceptionally strong, it’s only a matter of time before he starts randomly picking up and juggling you around like a lady-sized dumbbell. And mother Maria help you if he also watches professional wrestling or is into BJJ.
Some girls might find this fun and silly, but that only last so long. When your boyfriend starts gorilla-press slamming you on the bed then throws you back on his shoulders for the Torture Rack, you may need to have a talk with him.
This behavior can carry over into the bedroom too. Not just the wrestling, but the unnecessary shows of strength. Most woman probably don’t want to be tossed around the bedroom like a rag doll as their man tries to slap on the dreaded Figure Four Ass Lock.
It can also be quite embarrassing when he picks you up randomly in public. Who the hell wants to be joking around in a bar when all of a sudden, their John Cena looking boyfriend accidentally gives them a drunken Attitude Adjustment through a table. Note to the fellas reading this: don’t literally PICK UP chicks when you are trying to impress the ladies.
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1. Sex Becomes Cumbersome
That’s right, one of the biggest downsides to dating a bodybuilder is the sex. Now, I’m not saying sex is bad just because a guy is big and muscular. Plenty of overly muscular men are happily married with a thriving sex life. But, many guys out there, especially ones who developed crazy size rather quickly, just don’t have a strong handle on their bodies; meaning they can be awkward in their movements and precarious with their touch.
Imagine dating Bruce Banner. Everything is going well, so you decide to let him take a trip down the ol’ love tunnel. Bruce is a sensitive, caring lover, and you two end up dating. But, sometime down the road, he turns into the Incredible Hulk — and quite suddenly sex becomes a lot less fun for you.
There will be a lot of hard touching, jack hammer like thrusting, and so, so many position switches. Who knew the Hulk could be so aggressive with his giant green d!ck? Those poor women’s cervixes are going to take a beating for sure.
It’s not just his inability to properly handle his incredible bulk that leads to awkward sex, though. It’s also a problem of the girlfriend not used to being with such a behemoth. A woman having sex with a bodybuilder for the first time may feel the need to be rougher than normal. Like she must use more pressure and force to please him because of all the muscle. This is not true at all — but it will lead him to believe that’s the kind of sex you like. So, essentially you will bring the Hulk cervix smashing upon yourself.
Well, there you have it. This was just five reasons not to date a bodybuilder, but there are plenty more. But just remember, just because a guy is a bodybuilder does not mean he can’t be a great boyfriend. You just need to make sure you share a similar lifestyle before dating. After all, the relationship won’t stand a chance if he wants to always go to the gym and you just want to watch TV and drink wine. Compromise only goes so far. So, test the waters before starting something long term.