As a bro, you’ve seen it all in the gym. Every day for longer than you can remember you kicked down that front door and strolled in like Conor McGregor to take your spot with the alphas. It’s your home from home and you know everybody there. Especially this bunch of fitness misfits…
Every gym has ’em, because that’s why they’re called stereotypes, duh. They’re not an anomaly, they’re god damn f*cking everywhere, bro.
Here’s the good, the bad, and the wouldn’t tackle with an inch-thick rubber ugly muthaf*ckers crowding your iron house. Just in case you’d forgotten, bro.
Bro, if you ain’t got at least one creatine snorting powerlifter in your gym get out of here. Your blatant affiliation to Planet Fitness is bullsh*t that just won’t be tolerated. How about you find a real iron-house for real men with real ball-bags?
Anyways, for the rest of us dedicated Judy Dench muthas, your gym will definitely have this hulk of a man. His face looks like he’s snuck onto the set of Scarface and slammed his face into Tony Montana’s stash like a concrete-smashing jackhammer. But that ain’t the contraband power that’ll help you flip a car – it’s f*cking chalk! Anybody would think he was just an obese math teacher if spotted in public…
Watch this guy pick up the entire weight of your ma, pa and old-ass obese dog with ease. His biggest lifetime achievements so far are once snapping a barbell in half at the age of 10, out-eating a whole local chain of Denny’s and being too colossal to ride on airplanes.
But don’t miss a lift though, cos you can bet he’s got a fifteen-hour rest window between each one. Oh, and a 6000 kcal post-workout snack, just in case he loses them belly gainz.
If there was ever a dude so f*cking hyped to be doing burpees over a bar it’s the WOD-Star. Usually always dressed like a cross between a lycra gimp and an extra in an 80s home workout video, you can bet he’s into CrossFit.
Maybe the giant f*cking slogan tattooed onto his forehead gave it away. We don’t know, but it seems like a cult that needs to be crushed.
Oh yeah, and does this guy give a sh*t about anyone around him? Absolutely not. Catch him throwing barbells over his head rather than setting them down to shave milliseconds off his time.
Then, he’ll probably sweat all over the place before throwing up in the trash can. Don’t worry, this is standard procedure for every new WOD he finds online.
Sometimes you’ll even spot him high-fiving a bunch of other cult-members, shit we mean CrossFit athletes, whilst being wheeled out to an ambulance. Apparently, a broken back is just part of the process when becoming the worlds fittest douchebag…
The Athlete AKA Captain America AKA Sgt.Terry Jefferson
500 km row? Smashed it. 150 muscle-ups? Killed ’em. 300 lbs squat without a spotter? “Only hit 271 reps today bro, feeling pretty tired:”
Right, now he’s warmed up, watch him make everyone else look as fit as a dangerously overweight KFC sponsored Mountain Dew drenched XBOX superstar.
All gyms have their resident athlete. You’ll know him because he never ever gets f*cking tired, nor does he sweat, and his sh*t eating grin is always on point for the ladies. If he were to suddenly announce that he was actually Captain America you wouldn’t doubt him for a second. We’re pretty sure he was created in a laboratory under top-secret conditions, too.
For some reason, he can lift ridiculous loads for his bodyweight. And if you tried to take him out with a 9 mm his steely deltoids would deflect the bullet without even a scratch. We’re not entirely sure what sport he competes in, we just know he’s really f*cking good at it.
Spot him making you look like dog-sh*t at pretty much everything. Well, apart from looking sick in a snapback and stringer, bro. At least you’ve got that look on lock.
It’s obvious from the moment you burst through the threshold of the free weight section. The Biohazard is here for sure, you can smell it, taste it even. You don’t even need to set eyes on this monstrosity to know his whereabouts.
Like, bro, how the f*ck does he even do it? It’s like a skunk crawled up a crack-addict hooker’s ass to die. The air is thick with his distinct aroma of barf, protein farts, and the inch-thick layer of old sweat sheathing his skin.
Fortunately for this toxic mess of a man, his sense of smell is non-existent. Personal hygiene is about as high as a midget’s d*ck on his priority list, and why would he ever need more than one pair of clothes to repeatedly work out in?
Every gym has one, and if you don’t know yours, it’s you muthaf*cker! Grab a shower before you subjugate the rest of us to your pungent filth. You’re the reason deodorant was invented bro, so use it.
Walter White AKA The Chemist
‘Hey, you finished with that bench, bro? Just gotta get my entire f*cking laboratory kit set up on there.”
He’s got more powders than Harry Potter getting high in potions class and Pablo Escobar combined. That’s not workout gear in his kit bag, just an entire 3 am shopping-channel-worthy collection of Tupperware.
The chemist is every gym’s own Walter White. But, instead of cooking meth, he’s shaking up a combination of pre-workout, intra-workout, protein, cocaine, dragon semen, moon dust and whatever the f*ck else can be ground into an offensively bright color.
We’ve never actually seen this dude actual work out or touch a barbell. He’s usually too busy splashing gloop all over the place, making sh*t sticky, or pathetically searching for his tiny scoop…
You ever see that video for Michael Jackson’s thriller? The king of pop is super chill hanging with his woman before a scary-ass full moon comes out to play. All of a sudden his eyes turn yellow, fangs pierce through his Hollywood smile, and he’s howling like a god damn horny hound.
Every gym’s werewolf is pretty much the same. Except he doesn’t need a full moon, just to hear the clanging of plates and smell the aroma of chalk in the air. We’ve never seen someone so pumped for put on a mediocre display of ‘strength’ – apparently.
Damn, he’s howling before he lifts, during lifts, after lifts, and even when he goes to take an intra-workout sh*t. Werewolves usually always growl too, especially on loads that are lighter than your grandma’s warm-up sets.
Dude, it’s cool when Ronnie does it, but you sound like a little pup in comparison. You gotta pack that sh*t in if you ever want to join a real wolf-pack. A true bro would eat you alive in seconds Scrappy Do.
“Call Me Coach” – Nah bro, just shut up!
So, you’re doing your usual alpha-sh*t. You know, like curling in the squat rack, curling in the foyer, and curling in the car lot. Then, all of a sudden, you’ve got the gym coach in your face again with his infinite wisdom of f*ck-all. “You gotta do it like this bro, bend your back more…”
Don’t get us wrong, sometimes we want guidance. But only usually when we’ve asked for it from a knowledgeable silverback who’s strong AF.
Weak ass skinny know-it-alls can f*ck off. Usually with an uppercut to their glass chin and a kick in the nuts.
Walking around the gym floor giving out unwanted advice is like spreading STI’s. Nobody wants it, nobody asked for it and your bullsh*t is probably gonna hurt someone. Don’t do it.
“Cooka – Cooka” you hear as the protein obsessed peacock spreads his plumage and lets out a mating call. His strong smell of cologne, fresh workout attire, and carefully groomed hair let’s all the ladies know he’s here to play.
He works out exactly like Ben Stiller would in Zoolander and is an expert at pouting mid-rep. Don’t let him find a mirror though, as he’ll be lost in a trance.
We’re not sure if he’s checking himself out – or literally trying to out-pose a threatening rival. Apparently, birds can’t understand their own reflection and will often attack it. When this sh*t goes down get ready to film it.
Catch the peacock only ever training arms and chest – never back or legs. Oh, and he’s probably gonna try to hit on your girl when you’re in the bathroom too. Just lift something heavy to startle him away.
Hey, who’s that hot piece of ass hanging out in the squat rack? Wait, WTF, no way is she hitting those numbers…
Just as you go over to lend a damsel in distress a hand with those plates, she ass-to-grasses that mutha like she’s on the moon, cos f*ck gravity. Now strong girl turns around and there’s a fire in her eyes that says if any man enters a radius of 10 meters from her she’ll rip off his pride and joy with bare hands.
Strong girl is not to be f*cked with. She can lift heavier than 99% of everybody in the gym, has glutes like a German tank, and is actually possessed by Lucifer.
See that Viking looking hench b*stard over there chewing chalk and covered in the blood of his enemies? Yeah, the dude hanging with the powerlifters. That’s always her scary AF boyfriend, too. Do. Not. Make. Eye. Contact. Bro.
Oscar Nominee for Worst Actor Ever (Ed: AKA Winner of The Razzies)
And the Oscar Award for worst actor in the entire history of human civilization goes to… This guy! Well done for being so sh*t that it’s actually annoying. Luckily, Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t have anything to worry about. Because this guy’s acting is somehow worse than his lifting form.
Spot this non-bro excessively emphasizing life like an over-enthusiastic pornstar on molly. He even grunts when unracking those diddy dumbbells, you know, the kind you give your girl on her first date to the gym.
What he gets up to after an actual set is even worse – you’d think he’d just summited Everest using nothing but his teeth. We’re not sure if they’re tears of joy or what…
We’d say just ignore this beta and he’d go away. But God no, he just gets louder! He only works out for the attention, and if he doesn’t get it, there’s nothing he’ll stop at to be noticed.
We even saw one dude bring his own “look at me I’m working out” billboard and do star jumps on the roof whilst singing Taylor Swift. Ballbag. The gym had to call homeland security.
Surrounded by carnage, this wrecking ball of a human being often looks like the lone survivor of a Call of Duty Total Warfare air-strike.
No matter where he goes, hellfire and destruction follow. If he’s laid out trying to chest flye his puny pecs on a bench, expect every single dumbbell to surround his not-so-personal space. He’s like a real-life Tasmanian devil.
Sometimes his level of disregard for putting things back where he found them is quite impressive. We’re yet to see him ever find a workout that doesn’t require an entire arsenal of gym equipment.
But of course, you can’t touch that, cos he’s totally using it, bro! Can’t you f*cking see that, you know, with it being within a 50-foot radius of his skinny neck?
Demolition Man is more often than not an avid-supersetter. Catch him at peak times causing the most mayhem, annoyance, and ignorance physically possible.
Mr. All Gear, No Idea
From a distance, this dude looks like he’s here for business. Lifting shoes, weightlifting tape, chalk, knee sleeves, compression wear, elevation mask, headband, latest Bluetooth headphones, heart-rate tracker, GoPro, jetpack – this dude’s got it all!
But, it seems like somebody has spent a little too long filling is Amazon cart instead of actually learning how to train. “Hi there Mr. All Gear, No Idea, do you need a hand using that here old barbell. Wait, no, try to grab it with your hands, not your f*cking feet douchebag.”
Spot this guy with all the latest kit but absolutely no f*cking training knowledge or experience what so ever. He’s often dumbfounded how his new $600 weight-lifting shoes haven’t magically doubled his deadlift, and he’s pretty sure a Good Morning is waking up with your manhood standing to attention.
Don’t offer to help this guy out! He’ll just try to tell you all about how his new Government tracked smartphone could add three inches onto your biceps if you just downloaded this shady app instead of training…
He’s been here for an hour but is still scanning magazines in the reception area. Does he want a hand? No, he’s fine, apparently. This is just his warm up before heading into the main room to ponder which sh*tty machine to rest his fat ass on for an hour or two.
As a wanderer, this guy is not actually here to exercise. F*ck that. He’s a passive trainer. He believes that by entering the gym and surrounding himself with sweaty barbell bending badasses like ourselves, he absorbs fitness through some X-Men level superpower. It’s purely a gainz by association game with this guy.
Hell, he turned up didn’t he? What more do you want?
Spot him sat on the pec deck machine, playing with the pins most probably. If not, he’s walking around slower than a stoned sloth that’s smoked Snoop Dogg’s entire stash of kush. There’s a serious “I hate my life” look in his deadpan eyes, but for some reason, he’ll be back here tomorrow.
Who have we missed?
Now tell us you don’t know of at least one of these guys, bro? Of course, you do, we’re pretty sure every gym has to hire one as some kind of weird work out environment law.
But, have we missed any off the list? Let us know in the comments who you think should be included.
Don’t hold back – just say it how it is. We’re all bros here, not a bunch of sensitive beta-b*tches with man tiddies and shriveled gonads.
Just nobody get all up in our grill about dudes curling in the squat rack. SpotMeBro believes that this heroicly noble exercise should actually become an Olympic sport. If we ever stop working out for five minutes we might set up a campaign to make that sh*t happen for real!
But for now, check out this other muscle induced mass of bro-wisdom:
- A Real Bro’s Bodybuilding and Gym Slang Dictionary: A – Z
- A Guide to Bad Gym Etiquette: How to Not Be a Douchebag
- How to Become a Personal Trainer: A Guide for Gym Bros