3. Protein Farts
This is the inevitable side effect of the constant eating. And trust us when we say, he’s mastered the art of the silent but deadly fart. All that protein, especially of the egg variety, causes a noxious buildup of foul smelling rectal air that must be expelled often or some kind of spontaneous combustion will be sure to follow.
The farting is especially heinous when it happens out of the blue during very inappropriate times; such as in the middle of that fancy classical music orchestra (you really are a dumbass for taking that human meat sack to such a highbrow place).
These eyebrow melting farts will become a constant part of your day. At some point, you will find yourself sleeping warmly in bed. Maybe it’s extra chilly that night, so you throw the cover over your head — and that’s when it hits you like a sack full of rhino bones; his sour ass odor has completely filled the airless vacuum under the covers, and you have just inadvertently given yourself a wicked Dutch Oven.
Oh, but there’s so much more to this neverending nightmare. He will eventually see the hilarity in his puckered star poots. And this will cause him to fart in your general direction more and more often for his own sick, twisted entertainment. He will become a f*cking madman! Blasting chemical bombs at you from all angles.
What’s that? Your mom’s in town for the holidays? Hope she likes the smell of burning sewage in July. You decide to go out to a fancy Italian restaurant to invigorate your relationship? Enjoy the putrid butthole seepage wafting up from under the table in five-minute intervals. By the way, statistically speaking, at least a few of these “innocent” ass blast will cause an unexpected public mudslide. Hope you carry wet wipes.
2. You Become a Human Dumbbell
Some women have no idea what this means. But other women, the ones who have dated bodybuilders in the past, they just peed a little. When you date a bodybuilder, especially one who is really huge and exceptionally strong, it’s only a matter of time before he starts randomly picking up and juggling you around like a lady-sized dumbbell. And mother Maria help you if he also watches professional wrestling or is into BJJ.
Some girls might find this fun and silly, but that only last so long. When your boyfriend starts gorilla-press slamming you on the bed then throws you back on his shoulders for the Torture Rack, you may need to have a talk with him.
This behavior can carry over into the bedroom too. Not just the wrestling, but the unnecessary shows of strength. Most woman probably don’t want to be tossed around the bedroom like a rag doll as their man tries to slap on the dreaded Figure Four Ass Lock.
It can also be quite embarrassing when he picks you up randomly in public. Who the hell wants to be joking around in a bar when all of a sudden, their John Cena looking boyfriend accidentally gives them a drunken Attitude Adjustment through a table. Note to the fellas reading this: don’t literally PICK UP chicks when you are trying to impress the ladies.