Using Fitness as Revenge to Everyone Who Ever Wronged You

When life gives you lemons...make a citrus pre workout

Ambition, Jealousy, Revenge — all key components of the human condition. We are fascinating creatures, so cerebral (some of us more than others), yet still unavoidably propelled by basic instincts shared by animals lower on the food chain. Seeing, however, that we’re not a bunch of chimps going about brutalizing those who’ve wronged us, we employ a subtle approach.

Rock Bottom

You can’t believe she did it. Took your heart and re-gifted it to the cold, hard ground. Or that cashier at Walgreens with the demeaning commentary about your purchase of Pop Tarts, Five Hour Energy, and condoms. Perhaps even the unforgotten high school harassment. The reunion is coming up soon and you haven’t quite changed for the better. But wait, there happens to be a foolproof solution, an avenue to awe inspired glances, revenge. All you need is a gym membership and emotional turmoil.

The Ascent

Most everything in life is a means to an end, and fitness is no exception. Humans are vain to the core, but this pernicious vanity can be leveraged to turn one into a freak-beast athlete, soaring over the untrained masses like a predatory bird (just don’t let it go to your head).

Enter aforementioned turmoil. Identify those negative feelings, crush them up on the dashboard of your car, and snort them with that new pre workout you bought before you start the first day of the rest of your fitness-fueled life. There’s one stipulationDo your best to avoid any self-righteous, transformative social media posting or one-sided conversations about your life change. Nobody gives an actual f*ck but you, and it won’t get you a better squat. 

Continued below

The Iron Jungle

Weight rooms aren’t real life. In fact, they are one of the most uniquely strange ecosystems in modern society. Don’t get us wrong, we give these hallowed halls a special place in our hearts, but that doesn’t make them any less odd. Slow, grunting powerlifters that resemble asthmatic lowland gorillas, overly energetic crossfitters who sweat more that you thought physiologically safe, and semi-sociopathic bodybuilders posing and eyeing the competition. It’s a circus, but now you’re one of the carnies.

You get out what you put in, and it’s peak gain season. The harvest moon is full and you’re gathering all the plates you can before they’re ferreted away by some other hungry scavenger. We’re animals after all.

The Plateau

There is a season for everything. A season to gain, a season for injury, and a season to plateau. However, it’s adversity that makes the man, so don’t be a b*tch. You still have some emotional turmoil left, and these peasants aren’t going to impress themselves.

We all get injured, take this time to step back and evaluate the game plan. Don’t let the other animals in the jungle notice you’re slowing, or the herd of fit chicks will shift to more dominant pastures. Work on your mobility, take care of your body and change the paradigm.

And From The Ashes…

Ambition, jealousy, revenge – these seemingly negative emotions fueled you, launched you into a trajectory of two-a-days, research, and self-denial until finally – the phoenix.

You could’ve remained beaten down and emotionally battered like some fat f*ck that doesn’t even lift, but you ascended. Past the heavy breathing, shadowed glances, and proverbial pissing contests of the iron jungle, the goal was reached (PSA – you’re never actually done). For now.

The moral of what you just read? Fitness fixes almost everything (that’s science) and emotional struggles are the perfect tool to get where you’re headed.

You don’t need to be a powerlifter, you don’t need to be a dogmatic crossfitter, and not necessarily even a bodybuilder. Find a way to improve your body that gets you up in the morning and do it better than yesterday. Just please don’t be a lazy f*ck.

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