The Not-So-Obvious Benefits of Doing Ridiculous Amounts of Steroids

A Google search of the word “Steroids” will yield 39,700,000 results. Suffice to say we are not going to reinvent the wheel here by reiterating the benefits of taking juice, nor will we discuss the cons which none of us really pay any attention to anyways because we have resigned ourselves to the fact that we’re going out big.

We’ve already told our families that we’re going to need a huge coffin when we pass and to bury us in the dead of night beneath the gym floor.

What is rarely discussed though are the not so obvious benefits of  having access to insane amounts of gear, benefits that lay just beneath the surface of all those CC’s and tabs. What are they? I’m glad you asked because I am about to drop some pharmacy-grade knowledge on your ass from the top rope.

Your body becomes your biggest investment, literally and figuratively.


Let’s face it: If you do gear chances are better than good that you deal a little on the side for a mark up. You don’t exactly promote your burgeoning business in the traditional sense. You don’t hand out business cards or pay for ad space. You don’t post about it online, unless you’re Bostin Loyd. What do you do? You take your shirt off. Doing so is akin to saying “I’m open for business.” Before long every dipshit rocking 15” arms is asking you for “the secret sauce” to your pasta of gains. You act like you’re pissed. You say “I don’t know what you’re talking about” but at the end of the day we all know you’re going to meet them in a parking lot or a gym locker room for some quick business.

It makes your life more interesting.


For as long as you can remember you have been a fan of true crime TV. You’re pretty stoked about the upcoming season of Criminal Minds. You hated the fact that your life had become mundane, too routine, too “nine-to-five.” The best part of doing steroids and/or selling them is that all of the interesting characters you read about in true crime novels come to life to make your life more interesting. You will feel paranoid in ways you never could have foreseen but you will also be important for once in your long and miserable life.

Your package looks bigger.


It’s been a long time since your balls were any bigger than raisins. In fact, your nut sack looks like the little dice bag Dungeons & Dragons players carry around in their pockets. This, however, is a small price to pay for the fact that your wang looks like it’s gained at least an inch in length due to the fact that your balls are no longer stealing the show. Plus when you’re cutting, less fat in your groin area = more of your shaft will be “above ground“. It’s a double-whammy for your whammer.

You become the subject of colorful internet rants.


Not a day goes by where you don’t post a picture of yourself flexing on Instagram with the hashtag “#Natty4Lyfe.” Nevermind the irony of doing so while you wear a “Eat Clean, Tren Hard” shirt. It doesn’t matter. Morons on the internet will call you out, some will even go so far as to make YouTube videos about you. Anyone who says anything positive is jealous, anyone who says anything negative is a hater.

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