The Not-So-Obvious Benefits of Doing Ridiculous Amounts of Steroids

A Google search of the word “Steroids” will yield 39,700,000 results. Suffice to say we are not going to reinvent the wheel here by reiterating the benefits of taking juice, nor will we discuss the cons which none of us really pay any attention to anyways because we have resigned ourselves to the fact that we’re going out big.

We’ve already told our families that we’re going to need a huge coffin when we pass and to bury us in the dead of night beneath the gym floor.

What is rarely discussed though are the not so obvious benefits of  having access to insane amounts of gear, benefits that lay just beneath the surface of all those CC’s and tabs. What are they? I’m glad you asked because I am about to drop some pharmacy-grade knowledge on your ass from the top rope.

Your body becomes your biggest investment, literally and figuratively.

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Let’s face it: If you do gear chances are better than good that you deal a little on the side for a mark up. You don’t exactly promote your burgeoning business in the traditional sense. You don’t hand out business cards or pay for ad space. You don’t post about it online, unless you’re Bostin Loyd. What do you do? You take your shirt off. Doing so is akin to saying “I’m open for business.” Before long every dipshit rocking 15” arms is asking you for “the secret sauce” to your pasta of gains. You act like you’re pissed. You say “I don’t know what you’re talking about” but at the end of the day we all know you’re going to meet them in a parking lot or a gym locker room for some quick business.

It makes your life more interesting.

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For as long as you can remember you have been a fan of true crime TV. You’re pretty stoked about the upcoming season of Criminal Minds. You hated the fact that your life had become mundane, too routine, too “nine-to-five.” The best part of doing steroids and/or selling them is that all of the interesting characters you read about in true crime novels come to life to make your life more interesting. You will feel paranoid in ways you never could have foreseen but you will also be important for once in your long and miserable life.

Your package looks bigger.

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It’s been a long time since your balls were any bigger than raisins. In fact, your nut sack looks like the little dice bag Dungeons & Dragons players carry around in their pockets. This, however, is a small price to pay for the fact that your wang looks like it’s gained at least an inch in length due to the fact that your balls are no longer stealing the show. Plus when you’re cutting, less fat in your groin area = more of your shaft will be “above ground“. It’s a double-whammy for your whammer.

You become the subject of colorful internet rants.

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Not a day goes by where you don’t post a picture of yourself flexing on Instagram with the hashtag “#Natty4Lyfe.” Nevermind the irony of doing so while you wear a “Eat Clean, Tren Hard” shirt. It doesn’t matter. Morons on the internet will call you out, some will even go so far as to make YouTube videos about you. Anyone who says anything positive is jealous, anyone who says anything negative is a hater.

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Your idea of “the perfect night out” no longer means the club or a nice dinner.

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Some people like to read a good book by the fire. It’s comforting and warm. Others like to watch a little TV and relax. Getting over the club life is a sign of maturity and growing older. You. on the other hand. slam a couple tabs of Adderall so you can go all Mad Scientist as you filter dozens of bottles of test, which is a time consuming endeavour, yet a highly rewarding task.

Your cabinets excite you.

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Most people take comfort in a cabinet full of food. It means you aren’t starving anytime soon. You, on the other hand, see it differently. Instead of seeing various items of food, you see felony counts by the tab and CC. Cumulatively, everything in your cabinet equals a life sentence, which would be depressing to others, but is highly invigorating to you. You only live once, or whatever.

You discover a new workout for your core.

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Occasionally you post cryptically on Facebook that you had “a nightmare of an ab workout.” Most people hit like then continue scrolling. What you know (and they don’t) is the fact that you just survived another episode of the “Tren cough” and that you spent the past five minutes thinking you were going to die. Once you weather the storm you feel your abs, which are now rock hard and sore. “Shit yeah” you say, acknowledging in a subtle way the bitchin’ core work out you just got.

You create a new pre-workout.

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Sometimes you wake up in the morning and think “I need some GO!” This is when other drug addicts usually dive for a line of cocaine but because you are into “healthy living” you mix up a shake that is the equivalent of 10 cups of coffee before breakfast and toss in a little raw Anadrol powder for a bit of an extra kick. That, or you throw it into some Pepsi, which you’re thinking of marketing as Pepsi-Drola, but Pepsi won’t return your calls. They’re probably just jealous of your gains.

You get to alienate yourself from everybody.

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You hate most of your friends, usually in a passive-aggressive way. If they are not asking you to go to the bar then they are asking you to come over to watch football and drink. This is impossible on account of the strict pre-contest diet that you are on, not to mention the fact that you have to stick to the ridiculous injection regimen that you have submitted yourself to. You also have to tend to your lucrative underground street pharmacy business. “If they are not assholes, then they are probably narcs,” is what you tell yourself before putting your phone on silent to avoid their texts and calls while you hold yourself and gently weep. You still check your phone every few minutes. No new notifications.

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Decadick becomes a good thing.

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You’ve got a half-dozen chicks on deck that you wreck back at your pad on a regular basis. When the 10s are busy, that leaves you with the 5s who can never seem to get enough. Knowing that at some point you are going to have to bite the bullet, you stop taking Cabergoline and invite a couple 5’s over (5+5=10, right?). Things are getting hot and heavy and they’re begging for it. You whip out your limp member that dangles like a wet sock. They start to feel bad, saying things like “this didn’t happen last time. Is it me?” To which you reply, “I don’t know, probably.” They leave your pad determined to never call you again but you all know that they will. Knowing that the 9.9999 you’ve been wanting to slam for the past week is getting back into town next week, you up the Test and start taking Caber again. It’s the circle of life.

You create your own Research and Development department.

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When you have too much of anything in complete abundance, eventually you begin to experiment with it. This is true for steroids too, of course. Sometimes in a fit of boredom, you fly over to your kitchen to go over some powder conversions. Then you start creating steroid hybrids that would make BALCO sweat. Several weeks later the “research” is complete and you have yourself a new product to market. Haha! Business! 

You have learned how to straighten your finances.

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Acquiring more gear was and is the only reason that you balanced your checkbook in the first place. By “balanced” we mean that you no longer have any money burning a hole in your pocket, which also means that you won’t have to go out and get into trouble on the weekends because every last dime that you earn by fair means or foul you put away into a juice fund. So what if your refrigerator is barren? Those GH bottles cooling on the side panel are proof enough that you have finally made it in this world.

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